Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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