remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
