He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
