Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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