i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
