Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
