i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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