I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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