I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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