Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
