is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
