Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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