when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
