I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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