His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
