Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
