Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
