if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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