I got chris browned last night
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
