Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
