Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
found the other keg... it's in the tree
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
