If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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