I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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