hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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