My Higher Power is John Stamos
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
