had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
