I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
