Can i not drive my cunt home
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
