Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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