I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize