also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
