don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
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I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
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I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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