Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
