Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
