I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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