I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
