If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I AM VODKA MAN
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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