I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
