Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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