who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
