Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
