the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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