they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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