yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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