Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
40s are totally the cure
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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