Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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