I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
