two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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