Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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