I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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