remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
