when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
