Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
