I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
