Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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